Jack Handy

• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
• Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
• If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
• I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
• Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
• I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
• I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
• I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
• If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
• Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Ernest Hemingway

• Definition of courage: 'Grace under pressure.'
• My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way.
• Never mistake motion for action.
• There are some things which cannot be learned quickly, and time, which is all we have, must be paid heavily for their acquiring. They are the very simplest things, and because it takes a man's life to know them the little new that each man gets from life is very costly and the only heritage he has to leave.
• What is moral is what you feel good after.
• When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.
• Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.
• A man can be destroyed but not defeated.

Dave Matthews

• This is my best friend. It took me a little while to get to know him, but once you do he never leaves. This is my friend Jack Daniels.
• "The next song we haven't recorded...but i believe it's floating around on some cassettes out there somewhere"
• "Well, here I was just takin’ a piss not ten seconds ago. Thank you very much, we’re the Dave Matthews band."
• "Your Jimi thing can be anything you want it to be. Boyd has a big Jimi Thing. Mine is not as big as Boyd’s."
• "Hands and feet are all alike but fear between divide us" - Cry Freedom
• "I'm not going to change my ways just to please you or appease you..." - Seek Up
• "People stare, but we just ignore, and they go away" - Recently
• "I find sometimes it's easy to be myself. Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else" - So Much to Say
• A lover's kiss is better than angels raining down on me.